Every coach wants one. Their snide comments when these objects of desire pass by are merely camouflage. Free, free at last from this heavy, clunky, leaking, smelly dinghy. Forget any pretense at keeping your wake down, because nobody else really does anyway. Forget any pretense at concentrating on your crew through a cold rain. I'd rather be under cover.
I want a new coaching craft. Perhaps a big pontoon, or even a small cabin cruiser. Cold drinks, radio and comfortable driving position. Something big enough that I can banish my launch slave out of my hearing if needs be. A boat large enough to mount remote-controlled lights to shine on my crew in the dark.
I want something I can chase down those idiots in the cigarette boats with to deliver correction of river etiquette. A boat fast enough that I don't have to worry about keeping up with a coxed pair when I've got three other people aboard. A boat agile enough that I can still hand over tools to nitwit coxswains who forget their own.
It needs to be quiet so I can hear the finishes. It needs a stereo/CD/MP3/SAT with a kick'n system to drown out inane questions. Don't forget Bluetooth for my phone.
I need a weather radio, depth finder, marine radio to speak with barges and a priest to speak with the Almighty. After all, Lord, I'm only asking for a few more seconds per 500.
I want a boat that doesn't have to be carried down at the beginning of every practice. Just jump aboard, unlock the door and turn the key, like a car. After all, don't the kids deserve a break?
Perhaps a small galley aboard for snacks during those long rows. I'm sure the guys would appreciate a few orange slices up near the dam. Perhaps some truffles or freshly squeezed juice. That might call for a master chef as well.
As long as we're adding to the staff, a manicurist would be helpful. My nails are a wreck from working on boats, and maid service would also be appreciated. As the guys know, I don't wash my clothes that often. Don't forget a nanny for Will, he loves to watch the guys practice but also tries to get into trouble.
Categories: Coaching, Rowing
Doesn't need to be too large, huh? Perhaps an Arleigh Burke class guided missile destroyer? If that's a little too expensive, I know the Navy is selling off surplus Oliver Hazard Perry class missile frigates. Make mine red, please. And do keep the 3.5 inch automatic naval rifle. It might come in handy for when the water patrol comes to take me away.....
7 comments:
Jay, I think you need a vacation. or just a break from coaching on a large public river in the middle of Pittsburgh.
But while we're at it, why not just hijack the sub down by the science center. Then you can torpedo the cigrette boats and hide from river patrol!
Wow. Jay, that's a very well written post for someone who sounds like they've been hanging out with their friend Jack too long. Jack Daniels, that is. Have a bad run in with a powerboat yesterday, Jay?
I still like the post. This one's a keeper.
That post is what happens when I sit down and start writing without any real thought about what I want to say.
A bit of sarcasm perhaps from "Che" Skuban?
bling bling! well jay that's a post liable for pimp my ride. however, you forget a few necessities, a massage chair, siren(just for the hell of it), and a volvo 850 wagon with 24 inch giovanni spinners to haul that hoss. well , youll probably topedo my ass after reading this but a man must always dream.
Love not blood, sharky66.
fffffffff********ccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk no "brother x"! the bloods won the battle in LA and blood will win here too
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